Shoot The Runner

Since I've already departed from film into books, I might as well depart further...into the subject of sport. Well, not sport exactly, but P.E. Physical Education. The bane of my school life (which, thankfully, is now many years behind me). A radical change of subject perhaps, but what brought it on was a comedy gig I went to tonight by Chris Addison (if you don't know who he is, I'm not going to explain. That's what Wikipedia is for!), and he was talking about being crap at sports at school. And I can sympathise, because I was likewise crap at sports. Not due to lack of talent as such (although there were some sports that I was genuinely crap at...what sadist invented rounders anyway?!), but due to lack of motivation. I had the body of a runner, but not the will of a runner. I just couldn't see the point. And I was a bit suspicious of the people who were seriously into sports, I wondered if maybe they were missing a crucial part of their brain, the part that says, "No, I don't want to go run in circuits round a field on a cold rainy day while being loudly berated by an angry P.E. teacher in short shorts that were probably never flattering even back when he was young enough to have the legs for them, for being too slow. I'd much rather curl up here where it's nice and warm with a good book and a cup of hot chocolate. But thanks for asking".

So I was picked last for all the teams, or given crappy positions (what IS the point of a goal keeper in netball anyway? Because the shooter can just stand about an inch outside of your little circle that you're trapped in and shoot from there, and you can do fuck all to stop them! Netball is an evil sport). Or made to play rounders when everyone else was playing the cool sports like basketball or hockey on the dreaded Inter-Tutor Group Sports Day. Have I mentioned that I fucking hate rounders? Just, why? Fucking why?! A bat about the thickness of a twig, a tiny ball, and weedy kids who can't hit it more than 10 yards (if they can hit it at all). Yeah, that's gonna be a good game!

And now of course I'm an unfit lazy bitch who never does excercise of any form, and has such an inbuilt hatred of sports and sport centres that I would rather die of a heart attack than actually join a gym. And who is suspicious of people who run for enjoyment. Certainly city runners. I used to quite like going running in the countryside, usually while out with the dogs, but people who run in cities...there's got to be something wrong with them! What enjoyment is there to be had?

But cyclists, they are the kings of the mentalists: the lunatics running the sporting asylum. From the ugly aerodynamically-shaped helmets to the clingy lycra shorts, there is not a single thing right about urban cycling. For a start, you're just a moving target for impatient taxi drivers! What more reason do you really need to not do it?! Especially in a city like Glasgow where we have a road system so complicated that when you 're only halfway to where you wanted to go and it's taken twice the length of time you thought it should to get there, you really want to hit something! A passing cyclist could prove too much of a temptation for some people!



Disclaimer: I do not in any way condone the mowing down of cyclists as a form of anger management therapy, and nor would I ever consider practicing it myself. But I still maintain that cyclists are totally mental. Runners too.